Nothing to Talk About [Blue Jay]

By the time he had discovered the final fruit tree and finally figured out the most efficient way to get bulk groceries into the base (wheelbarrow plus displacements, as it turned out), Blue Jay was a good while past what had recently become his bedtime and a good lot tired. The last thing he needed to do was try to be somewhere where he’d run into Aurora when she got around to getting up. It was convenient Aurora’s secret room seemed to only have one exit (barring any book-handle doors) and that was to her office, which happened to have a couch, and a comfortable one at that. It hadn’t been his intention to fall asleep on her couch when he sat down, and then laid down for just five minutes, but before long he was out and hours had passed.

His plan had worked, at least. Blue Jay yelped and jumped awake violently enough to, with Aurora’s kick, knock the sword leaned against the couch onto the ground. While he tried to catch his breath, he blinked the room and his wakeup call into focus.

“Morning, Sunshine.” He yawned, sitting himself up into a more comfortable position on the couch. “Waiting for you, actually. Looks like I’ve accomplished that task. Onto step number two.” He rubbed his eye tiredly.

“So, last night- er, morning, while you were half asleep, you said a number of things I won’t tell other people, promise. The big one, and reason I napped on your couch, was you basically said the reason you’re pushing yourself as hard as you are is because you don’t know how much time you have because dragons and you want to make sure you finish everything before then. You remember a while back when I said the one thing I kept to myself got me killed? That’s basically it right there, just with your personal take on the issue.”

Blue Jay leaned forward, crossed his arms over his knees, and looked up to try to meet her eyes. “Please don’t repeat my stupid mistakes. Will you talk about this with me?”

Of course she wasn’t going to just agree. Aurora’d never done that, so why would now be different? However, this time was different for him. He wasn’t going to give up so easily. He stood up after her. He didn’t physically try to stop her, but he did raise his voice to make sure she’d hear.

“Please. You’re… not the only one who needs to talk about this.”

She could leave if she really wanted - he’d just follow, that’s what he’d planned to do until she gave in - but he wasn’t done here just yet.

“The night the sword gave me a vision that I was supposed to die the next day, I had no reason to doubt it. I was sure I had less than twenty four hours to live. Looking over my life and realizing I wasn’t ready to die was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m almost certain the sword’s going to try again, and… I’m afraid I’m not going to be ready this time either.”

Blue Jay watched Aurora leave the door for her desk, beaming beneath his mask. He didn’t know what’d done it, maybe he’d actually caught her in a more agreeable mood, but he’d done it. Leaning down to pick up his fallen sword, he propped it back up against the couch and took a seat.

His expression fell as he gathered his thoughts. “I think some people are okay with it. Old people, for instance, but I do think it’s a lot harder for people who’re young like us. I’m not quite ready to give up on the idea just because it might be a false hope. Even if it is, I’ve still got to try, right?

“But I think that’s part of the problem.” His tone was quickly becoming contemplative. He leaned forward again on his knees, eyes ahead and focused on nothing in particular. “It’s the mentality where since I don’t want to feel regret when I die, I should do things now to at least lessen that when it comes. I think everyone does stuff like this, somewhat - it’s probably a factor in why a lot of people work so hard for their goals - but I think it’s particularly strong in people like us, where we’ve got good reason to think it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. I think it makes us do kinda extreme things.” He glanced up at Aurora, pulling his voice back from the distant edge it’d gained. “It’s why for the first year I had the sword I purposefully didn’t set any long-term goals and just lived day to day, and I think it’s why, right now, you’re working yourself so hard. Neither is healthy. And you know what? I think we owe our present selves just as much as we do ourselves when we die. Not more, but as much.

“I don’t know a lot for certain, but just from the numbers, I know that it’s impossible for someone with a shorter lifetime to accomplish as much as if they had a longer one. That’s why I was afraid I would have regrets from not finishing things. I don’t know if that means it’s better to work on smaller stuff, or if we’ve just got to be okay with leaving stuff half done. Right now I think it’s the second one.” Blue Jay smiled and scratched his cheek. “Just because we’re dead doesn’t mean there aren’t other people. That’s the whole deal with inheritance, after all.”

He shifted in his seat and frowned at Aurora’s floor. “But there’s one other thing that’s come up since I didn’t die, too: I don’t think an early death ever has to be certain. It’s possible to expand how long we have to live. Similarly, I think it’s possible to shorten it by other things we do. Like, if we’re not healthy for a dragon battle, our chances of dying in it are a lot higher.”

It was all kinda jumbled, but that was a pretty accurate representation of his thoughts on the matter. Abstract art probably wasn’t the best form for ideas regarding life and death to take, but it was a work in progress. It was just a little messy.

“H-how many old people have you actually talked to?” He asked, more than a little startled. Not because she’d given a somewhat extreme counter argument - he was used to that - but because he knew it wasn’t true. It was weird hearing from someone who prided herself for being right all the time.

Letting out an exasperated sighed, he massaged his forehead. “And how did you get to thinking of high child mortality as okay? That has nothing to do with what I’m saying. You have to know it’s really not that weird to be okay with dying at some point. Not soon necessarily, but at some point.

“And no, I’m not done.” He said sharply, bringing one of his arms up to a ninety-degree angle on his leg and shooting a severe look at Aurora. “I’m not presuming anything. You flat out told me. You’re pushing yourself to an unhealthy point because you want to finish everything before you die, because ‘the cost of failure is too high’. You said that exactly.” So said his detail-oriented memory, proving itself useful. “It’s a damn simple question. Why are you afraid of that failure? And don’t say ‘because people will be hurt’, you’ve said that already too. Why are you afraid of people getting hurt by your failure?”

She was done. Of course she was, and of course she was now trying to leave again. The familiar feeling of anger began welling up in his stomach, but it wasn’t due to the personal injury that usually got him riled around her. It was what happened when worry was left to sit and fester. As hard as he had tried, every time it came up it was pushed away and he let it. It’d slowly grown into a monster, lurking in the shadows of his conversations, only surfacing every once in awhile when she showed how tired she was actually or how much being a faction leader was wearing on her. Last night had summoned it. The topic had allowed it to seize command, and now it wasn’t letting go. It certainly wasn’t going to let her go. Blue Jay jumped to his feet.

“Don’t run away from me, you coward!”

He was yelling, glaring at her, and showing no signs of stopping either. She was trying to shut down the conversation and he was not about to let her.

“Why won’t you face it?! You’re so eager to point out other people’s problems and troubles, but whenever you’re asked what’s wrong you act like there isn’t a problem at all when you’re obviously stressed, obviously overworked, and obviously in pain! How come when someone asks you your personal views on society you’ll tell them without the slightest hesitation, but when I ask you a painfully simple question about how you feel, you shut up and leave?! Are you afraid or something? Are you afraid to admit you have weaknesses and pain, and that you aren’t perfect? You’re being weak, Aurora. You’re denying there is a problem rather than stepping up and facing it! Stop being a fucking coward!”

Blue Jay was being considerably more biting than he would otherwise by this point, but it was the only way he knew how to get her to talk.

This wasn’t about just last night, this was about the last couple of months and how she’d stopped sleeping and how much she was working and the much larger problem she hadn’t even inferred to until she was half asleep and only half way coherent. He wasn’t playing dirty, he’d just finally had all the puzzle pieces given to him. And she was extremely vocal about her problems, but clearly not all her problems. Sleep was again a terribly perfect example. And that last bit didn’t even make any sense.

That’s what he wanted to say, but previous experience and prior exchanges in this conversation alone said it wasn’t going to work. He was going to get more of the same and they would continue to go nowhere.

Blue Jay let out a long breath through his nose, closed his eyes and knitted his brow, and allowed himself to relax. He was going to have to initiate his next plan.

“You’re going to the cafeteria for breakfast, right?” He asked casually, all the anger previously in his voice gone. With almost a bounce in his movements, he picked up his sword, swung it over his back to strap it in place, and trotted after Aurora.

“Great, me too.” He said cheerfully. The smile under his mask wasn’t fake, even if he couldn’t completely do away with the slight air of tension about him.

Walking behind Aurora to the cafeteria, as it turned out, was akin to riding in the wake of a very large ship. Out of habit, Blue Jay clicked off the room’s lights and closed the door behind him - because he was the last one in the room and that was just what the last one out of a room did - on his way after Aurora. He didn’t walk directly beside her, but a few feet back, and not once did someone run into him. It was the smoothest walk he’d had to the cafeteria at this time of day and he made a mental note to do it more often if able.

His tailing didn’t end there; though he didn’t stop to get his own choice milk or supposed packaged pencil shavings, he followed her suit in grabbing a bowl and spoon. He took a brief detour for the juice he liked and had taken the liberty to buy because he could when he’d stocked up last night. As he’d expected and hoped, the unsweetened grapefruit juice was untouched. Goods in hand a cheer in his step, he made his way over to her pick of the tables. Blue Jay plopped down in the seat next to her and dropped his items on the table in time for Aurora to have finished pouring her bowl.

“So, what’re your plans for if you die? For all your work, I mean. Have you set up anything for what’d happen to it all?” He asked casually, pouring himself a glass of the juice.

Because they were friends, Blue Jay didn’t need to ask if he could reach over her for things. Therefore he did not to grab her milk and cereal and make himself a bowl.